Shoulders Back

One of the few memories I have of my toxic authoritarian grandfather on my mother’s side, is “shoulders back.”

I remember visiting him as a very young child, mother dropping us off with him for a couple weeks. At any moment he might come up behind me and grab my shoulders with both hands. He’d pull my shoulders back and scold me “Shoulders back! Stand up straight!” I remember feeling ashamed that I had let my shoulders relax.

This is one of those things I hadn’t thought about in a long time and recently recalled. Looking back on it now undertstanding the toxic dynamic, it’s another of those things that seemed normal at the time but now doesn’t stand up well to scrutiny. This tremendous concern with appearance, what other people will think if they see me with my shoulders down. Literally being trained to play some role in society, to mimic. This is the same guy who raised my narcissist mother, the same guy who taught her to bury her feelings deep and fear emotion.

So many times in my life I’d randomly realize my shoulders were down and like a reflex I’d pull them back, hearing grandfather’s voice in my head. I can only imagine what he put in my mother’s head.